Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
