I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
