I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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