My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
