If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
