4 words: hood of his car
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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