I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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