worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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