I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
