i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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