If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
