another moral hangover. fuck.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I feel great
I just peed on a car
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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