If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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