I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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