i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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