I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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