you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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