When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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