i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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