She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
