EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
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