i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
