whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
