I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
