found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I am one with the molecules
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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