Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
