cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
