I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
