Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
