Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
