It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
