I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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