My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
