Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
