my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
