It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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