According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
accomplished twins. life is a go
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
