i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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