i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
