she woke up with a sticky ear
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
