Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
