after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Still dying that you shit outside
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
