I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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