I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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