oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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