Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
