a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
