i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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