Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
