hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
