I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
